Peacemaking In Marriage, Pt. 3

First of all, let me apologize for the delay in finishing up the series. We have had a couple of busy weeks here, so blogging has not been a priority. That being said, let’s continue to learn about peacemaking in marriage.

In the last post, we talked about the danger of idols in our lives and how to discover them. As I mentioned, idols are often the cause of conflict but ultimately the root cause is sin. It’s important for us to start resolving conflicts by acknowledging and correcting our part in the conflict. One of the steps to do this that we talked about is confession. I want to revisit that for a bit to explain what true confession should look like. When you go to someone in order to confess, make sure your confession includes:

The Seven “A”s of Confession
*Address ALL involved- talk to each person who was hurt in the situation
*Avoid saying “if, but, maybe” (i.e. “If you hadn’t…”, “I’m sorry but…”)
*Admit specifically what you did wrong
*Apologize
*Accept the consequences
*Alter your behavior- part of confession includes turning from that sin with God’s help
*Ask for forgiveness and allow time- it can take just seconds to hurt someone but it may take them longer to forgive you

Not every conflict comes as a result of our sin, the fault may lay in the sin of the other person involved but we are responsible for our actions and our repentance. Even if we have not caused the conflict, in the midst of it we often sin as well. This is why we need to start resolving the conflict by examining ourselves and not just with our eyes but through the eyes of Scripture.

Now, on to this week's topic.

We know that God has a purpose for all things, so what is His purpose in ordaining conflict? There is no way to fully know His every purpose in a situation but there are two things that we know He is doing, 1) glorifying His name and drawing attention to His power and presence and 2) strengthening and refining our character. So look at your conflict with those two things in mind and ask yourself how God is using this situation to do those things.

Four Ways to Resolve Conflicts

1) Glorify God! In resolving conflict glorifying God should be our ultimate goal because we exist to bring glory to His name.

“…bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made." Isaiah 43:6-7

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.”
1 Corinthains 10:31 NIV

2) Remove the log from my own eye. We already talked about this in the last post and in the beginning of this post.

“Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:4-5

3) Go and show your brother his faults. Don’t revel and delight in this opportunity and do not make this a rant session about all the things your spouse has done wrong over the course of your marriage, etc. Go with a humble heart and the intention of loving your spouse.

"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone…” Matthew 18:15

When to overlook an offense:
*If the offense did not dishonor God
*If the offense did not permanently damage a relationship
*If it has not hurt others
*If the offense is not hurting the offender himself/herself

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13

4) Go and be reconciled. For true reconciliation/forgiveness you must resolve not to think about the situation, not to bring up the situation again, not to talk to others about the situation, and not to allow this to stand between you and your spouse or to hinder your personal relationship. There may be situations where you both agree to make an exception to one of these things. For example, to help another couple in a similar situation, it may be necessary to talk about the conflict again.

"First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5:24

Peacemaking In Marriage, Pt. 2

So, did you do your homework? Did you think about how you would answer the questions from last week's post?

Most conflicts come from unmet expectations and the disappointment and frustrations that result. Expectations are far too often idols. So, let's start by determining what the idols are in our lives and see if those are also areas of conflict with our spouses.

*What am I preoccupied with?
*"If only ___________, then I would feel happy, safe and secure."
*What do I want to preserve or avoid?
*Where do I put my trust?
*What do I fear?
*Is there something I want so much that I am willing to hurt others in order to obtain it?
*How am I judging those who don't fulfill my desires?
*How am I punishing those who don't fulfill my desires?

Idols are those things (material or not) that we put before the Lord. Things that we look to for happiness and fulfillment. True happiness and fulfillment can only come from God and idols will inevitably leave us broken and hungering.

"And they did wicked things, provoking the LORD to anger, and they served idols, of which the LORD had said to them, 'You shall not do this.'" 2 Kings 17:11-12


"They served their idols, which became a snare to them." Psalm 106:36


"Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love." Jonah 2:8

"Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry." 1 Cor. 10:14

"Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality,
impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry." Col. 3:5

Once we discover idols in our lives what do we do with that information? In 1 John 1:9 we read, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Confronting idols is done in 3 steps:

1) Identify- how did you answer the questions above? What expectations are idols in your life?

2) Confess- confess these things first to the Lord and then to anyone whom you've hurt in pursuit of these things.

3) Ask for forgiveness- again, first from the Lord and then from anyone you've hurt as a result of this idolatry.

So, look at the areas of conflict between you and your spouse, are any of them a result of idols in your heart? Pray and ask the Lord to reveal any idols in your life. In resolving conflicts and peacemaking, we must first start with ourselves.

Come back for the third (and possibly final) installment in this series next week.

Peacemaking In Marriage, Pt. 1

About a year ago, God put it on my heart that I needed to learn about what peace is. Not the peace of this world but true God-given, Christ-exalting peace.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 ESV

One of the first things the Lord lead me to in this search for His peace was the book, The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. This book, in addition to the many Scriptures I read on peace, served to be incredibly convicting. There were a couple of key areas in my life where I did not have peace and with God's help, I needed to make some changes.

While, it's been a year and although the work is not complete, those areas have been transformed by His grace and peace. I will say more in another post about what those things are and what God taught me but this post is about peacemaking in marriage. This was the topic at the MOMS group I attended last week at my church. The speakers were a couple from my church and they used The Peacemakers and Sande's other book, Peacemaking for Families, as sources. I took notes during this presentation, so this series will be a combination of their information and my own insights (in italics).

I want to start by asking you to figure out how you would answer the following questions:

1) What are some current areas of conflict with my spouse? (Romance, finances, parenting, etc.)

2) How do I handle conflict? (Fight or flight; now or later; brush it under the rug, etc.)

3) How can my spouse and I have a more peaceful marriage?

4)What peacemaking characteristics are we teaching our children?

Ponder these things and tune in for the next part of this series!